Woke up this morning and had an attack of “the thoughts.” They come and go as they please but for some odd reason, they decided to hang out with me for a little bit today.
The history on the “the thoughts”…
For a very long time, I saw myself as a failure, someone incapable of reaching success. This thought process affected the way I worked, the way I carried myself, the way I interacted with people, it even had an effect on the way I let people treat me.
Before “the thoughts” I’d been doing alright- Started a business at a very young age (Swear to God, I had clients! I had 7 steady paying clients and steady stream of projects…I had an office and people working for me), had amazing business contacts, in an amazing relationship, even picked up a side gig with a club- I was the youngest and only female nightclub manager in that area and the club was doing well…. When I read this now, it feels like I am telling someone else’s story….
One day, things just took a bad turn. I watched everything fall apart, people I’d trusted betrayed me and took my business away from me, my boyfriend cheated on me, then I found out I was pregnant but I ended up having a miscarriage, my mum fell sick and I couldn’t take care of her the way I should’ve financially- I woke up one morning and couldn’t recognize my life.
I was naïve then, so I didn’t know how to deal with pitfalls. I tried to fight it but it was inevitable, I’d have to start all over again.
The problem was, I didn’t know how to start over so I just let my situation beat me, I let it give me an ass-whooping… thing were so bad I forgot how to walk with my head up. I just stayed in that pit until fear came in to keep me company. Whenever I attempted to get out of the hole, my dear friend, fear, would remind me of my current situation, how I’d gotten there and why I couldn’t come out- I listened to those thoughts and wouldn’t move. There were times when I’d force myself to do something but other people (including family members) would step in and in their attempts to “help” me they’d remind me of the mistakes I’d made in the past. Again, I’d listen to them and remain in that pit.
One day, I’d had enough- took me about 5 years to get to this point- so I damned the consequences and decided to start all over again. But first things first, I had to learn to forgive myself and then forgive other people, I had to learn how to lift my head up again, stop people from rehashing my past for me, and of course work on my relationship with God. I went/still going through a rebirth.
This renaissance has been interesting, I’ve realized I can never be the way I used to be – the innocence is gone J but I will cherish the lessons I’ve learned. I get to start a new chapter in this book I call, My Life and when the tests come, I have a cheat sheet!!
I am currently undergoing a test- I am about to graduate and start a new career that can take me to a level I’d never dreamed of… this is overwhelming. I guess its triggering the “thoughts” but this will pass and I know I’ll be fine. Just have to push through it and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.